Manias aren’t always obvious

The problem with the word “mania” is that it’s often misunderstood.

When people think of someone experiencing a manic episode, they imagine a crazy cat lady dancing through the streets in a bathrobe, exposing herself to onlookers.

For starters, I’m not a crazy cat lady. I’m more of a bunny person. And usually when I’m experiencing a manic episode, nobody around me notices because not all manic episodes are obvious.

So what does a mania look like for me?

It starts with a trigger. That trigger could be anything — but for me, the trigger is usually something that makes me happy or excited, like a huge win.

I get so excited that I can’t sleep. To others on the outside, it just looks like I’ve got insomnia. That’s normal, right? Everyone has insomnia from time to time. But my insomnia is worse. It goes from eight hours of rough sleep to four hours… to one hour. And despite the lack of sleep, I’m hyper-productive and don’t need to nap. I’ll work, write a few stories or articles, cook twenty fresh rotis from scratch, and also walk or run 10,000 steps.

Those around me start saying “man, this woman can do it all!” They see a woman who is killing it at work, producing creative projects, cooking up a storm, and looking fit. I’m on one hour of sleep, yet I feel like I’ve had ten cups of coffee.

Those who truly know me, however, start worrying. They don’t see this as productivity. They realize that my brain is in overdrive and that I’m on a crash course to the psych ward.

Unlike textbook manics, I don’t develop incoherent speech or garbled thoughts. This is probably due to my obsession with spelling and grammar. Instead of racing thoughts, I start over-thinking. I plan ahead, five or ten steps ahead.

And then, after several weeks of not sleeping and being hyper productive, I crash into a depression that lasts months.

In all of this, most of the people around me don’t notice a thing. In my life, there have been very few that have ever noticed I was either manic or depressive. Those are the special few who have shown up at my house with the leftovers in their fridge and made me eat a sandwich in front of them, when they realized I hadn’t eaten in days. They’re the ones who take one look at me via a video call and say “put on the brakes!”

Aside from them, nobody else notices, because everyone is busy in their lives and seeking their own personal validation. Everyone else is so busy trying to be seen that they neglect to see the the ones who need to be seen the most.

Why am I writing this? To tell you that mental illness isn’t always obvious. The person in front of you might look like they’re doing great. They might have it all. They might put on a smile an cook up a storm.

But underneath, they’re suffering.

Tortured souls wear the most elaborate masks. Learn to see behind the mask.